For years, mainly starting in late elementary school, I have found myself daydreaming at an almost endless rate. I would be sitting in a classroom, at home on the couch, on my bicycle or in the most recent years at work or in bed at night before going to sleep. The dreams are pleasant; full of freedom, understanding, love and peace; the very sort of things that are scarce or simply nonexistent in my actual state of living. The subject matter often changes, usually as a result of moods or personal feelings getting involved. I never realized I had a problem because I never looked at this habit as so. I only recently discovered, through vigorous internet research the term “maladaptive daydreaming”.
For those that are unfamiliar with the term, it refers to one who daydreams for many hours of the day, almost living a double life; one real and one fantasy and they interact with each other from time to time without anyone around knowing. It is simply a compulsive fantasy and sadly, it can take over many aspects of life and make us see things differently than they really are. Often times, it starts as a psychological response to trauma, abuse or neglect.
While in elementary school, more specifically third grade, things were going downhill in the family home. My father had started working for himself and was home all of the time. His habit of waiting until early afternoon to actually start working was not the best of ideas. My middle brother and I would get home from school around the time he had started working and we had to always be quiet. My brother was an attention seeker but more from an at home standpoint. It drove me nuts and with the yelling and noise, I turned to my bicycle and Sony walkman as a sense of escape. I would literally ride for hours listening to music on my cassette tapes. I mainly listened to trance as much of it was lyric free which allowed me to view the song from any standpoint that I wished. My imagination and habit of daydreaming were colliding when I was on my bike. I never saw what was to come of it all years later.
My daydreaming in recent years has gotten in the way of multiple aspects of my life. The most dramatic would be my education and work experience. My dreams took over during my classroom hours. I would be sitting in my desk but it was as if there was no body home. I had a difficult time focusing on actual class work as I seemed so distracted by my daydreaming. I would mentally put myself somewhere else even though I was in class. The same scenario occurred over and over at church. There was no focus on God or any religious aspects and I quit going altogether. It became a reason I was not interested or doing well in school either. This compulsive fantasy I live in has lowered my expectations and motivations in life dramatically. I dream of driving certain cars and living in a certain place and being with a special someone and it satisfies me to the point that I do not feel any sense or motivation to seek it in reality.
Sadly, reality is often times so far from my dreams that it is hard to live with myself. I can’t see my dreams as being realistic with my circumstances or attitude and even changing those would be wasteful as I fear that what I want is not obtainable anyways so why try?
